I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
