you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
