I'm lost and stupid without you.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
