Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
