I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize