Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
