he puts the penis in happiness.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
