I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
