Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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