Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
The uberlube is also flammable
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
