He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
