his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize