I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
