I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I did not marry a roomba.
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