Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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