i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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