I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
