So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
