Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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