Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
