Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
