Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
