I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
