What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
