I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
