I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's shark week go big or go home
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
