dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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