Yo dont text me then not text me
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
