I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
