my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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