I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
