please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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