She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
