whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
