Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
