I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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