Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
