I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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