So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
