when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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