Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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