My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I just found a bag of teeth...
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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