gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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