Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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