Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
