i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
