I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
