I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
