It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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