last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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