Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
