I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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