I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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