Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.