Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?