Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.