look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
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You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
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No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.