I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
