I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
