i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
So many bounce houses so little time
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Randomize
