If that was your dad, he is hot
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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