Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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