I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Shame - the story of my life.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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